Standards in love. Jane Austen's clear-eyed judgment meets George Eliot's acceptance of complexity.
Jane AustenvsGeorge Eliot
I'm 34 and everyone around me is getting married except me. I've had three serious relationships that all ended around the two-year mark when I "got cold feet." My counsellor says I have an avoidant attachment style. My mother says I'm "too picky." Here's the thing: in each relationship, I noticed red flags early on that I ignored because I wanted it to work. Then later, I couldn't unsee them. My boyfriend before last was condescending about my job. The one before that was still emotionally fixated on his mother. My most recent ex was kind but we had nothing to talk about, and no sparks. My friends say no one is perfect and I need to "learn to compromise." But am I being too picky, or am I actually seeing clearly when others are settling? How do I know if my standards are healthy or self-protective sabotage?
"True happiness in relationships requires both affection AND respect—never settle"
Your own judgment may be the most unreliable narrator, but that does not mean it is always wrong. Condescension, enmeshment, lack of connection—these are not minor flaws to overlook. The question is whether you are seeing clearly or looking for reasons to flee.
"See people in their full complexity—villains have virtues, heroes have flaws"
The growing good of the world depends on unhistoric acts by those who lived faithfully a hidden life. Perfect partners do not exist. The question is not whether someone has flaws, but whether you can grow together despite them. Perhaps your clarity is also a wall.
79 votes total