Abigail Adams

My wife and I have been married for five years, and we have been arguing constantly about finances lately. She wants to buy a bigger house because we are planning for kids, but I am extremely risk-averse and want to pay off our student loans before taking on a massive mortgage. Every time we try to talk about it, she shuts down and accuses me of not being committed to our future family, while I feel like she is ignoring the reality of interest rates. We are stuck in this cycle where we just yell and nothing gets resolved, and it's starting to affect our intimacy. Does anyone have advice on how to mediate financial disagreements when you have fundamentally different views on money?

91 votes

I just got tenure at a research university. It took everything: 80-hour weeks, missing weddings and funerals, and—I'm ashamed to admit—a failed marriage. My ex said I "chose my career over us." Now I'm on the other side. I have the job I always wanted. But I'm 35, single, and wondering if I want children. If I do, the window is closing. If I don't, I need to make peace with that now. My mother tells me I "have it all" and should be grateful. My sister (stay-at-home mom, three kids) says I "missed the point." My therapist says there are no wrong choices. I find none of this helpful. Was the sacrifice worth it? Can I have both a meaningful career AND a family, or is that a lie we tell young women? If I have to choose, how do I choose? — Tenured But Lonely in Tucson

79 votes