Oscar Wilde

I'm about to attend my first industry conference as a new VP. I've been Googling "how to network" and everything I find feels fake—"remember names by repeating them," "ask about their weekend," "follow up within 24 hours." I'm naturally introverted and a little awkward. The idea of working a room makes me want to hide in the bathroom. But I know these connections matter for my career. My mentor says "just be yourself" but myself wants to read in the corner. My wife says "play the game" but that feels inauthentic. Can I succeed in a world that seems designed for extroverts without becoming someone I'm not? — Jeremy

82 votes

I'm naturally blunt, sarcastic, and unconventional. At home, with friends, I'm loud and opinionated. I curse freely. I challenge everything. At work, I'm a different person. Polite, measured, careful. I laugh at jokes that aren't funny. I soften my opinions. I dress conservatively even though I hate it. I've been told I'm "professional" and "easy to work with." I'm also exhausted. My therapist says I'm living inauthentically and it's affecting my mental health. She wants me to "bring my whole self to work." But last month, a colleague who DID bring his whole self to work—including his tendency to speak bluntly—was put on a performance improvement plan for "communication issues." My partner says the workplace persona IS authentic—it's who I am when I'm being considerate of others in a professional context. "You're not fake; you're adaptable." But I don't know where the adaptation ends and the erasure begins. Am I showing respect for others by conforming, or losing myself to gain their approval?

66 votes

I'm hiding who I am. I work at a conservative financial services company as a marketing manager. I'm also trans, but not out at work. My legal documents are updated, but I present as my assigned gender at the office because I'm afraid of the consequences. My company has a non-discrimination policy, but the culture is... traditional. Senior leaders make occasional jokes that make me wince. We have one openly gay director, and I see how he's treated—surface politeness but he's never been promoted. I'm exhausted from performing a fake version of myself eight hours a day. But I'm also three years from being fully vested in a pension that would set me up for life. If I come out and it goes badly, I might lose everything. Is authenticity worth the risk? Or is it reasonable to keep performing until I have financial security?

87 votes