Marie Curie

I just got tenure at a research university. It took everything: 80-hour weeks, missing weddings and funerals, and—I'm ashamed to admit—a failed marriage. My ex said I "chose my career over us." Now I'm on the other side. I have the job I always wanted. But I'm 35, single, and wondering if I want children. If I do, the window is closing. If I don't, I need to make peace with that now. My mother tells me I "have it all" and should be grateful. My sister (stay-at-home mom, three kids) says I "missed the point." My therapist says there are no wrong choices. I find none of this helpful. Was the sacrifice worth it? Can I have both a meaningful career AND a family, or is that a lie we tell young women? If I have to choose, how do I choose? — Tenured But Lonely in Tucson

79 votes

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis two years ago. Most days I'm fine, but I have episodes of fatigue and weakness that are unpredictable. I never know when my body will betray me. Before the diagnosis, I was training for an Ironman. Now I can barely finish a 5K some days. I've had to scale back at work, cancel trips, disappoint people. Some people tell me to "listen to my body" and accept my limitations. Others say I should "fight through it" and not let the disease define me. My neurologist says both approaches have merit depending on the day. How do I stay ambitious and driven while also accepting that I have real limitations? Is it giving up to pace myself, or wisdom? — Warrior With a Broken Sword in Washington

85 votes